Where am I today...
From late 2019 to today...
October 2019 was major panic attack 3. The worst so far. And when I mean worst I mean as close as you can be without actually off planeting yourself. YES death.
It was down to me never really dealing with money, I tried to ignore it if i could, or just bumble along. Until the universe decide to send a life lesson on Money.
Plenty of work, but, everyone decided not to pay all at the same time. I had next to nothing left so went to family for help. And they pretty much made help impossible until I was actually over the cliff. Panic Attacks became continuous and everything I had learnt to this point was not helping.
Along came the Suicide Programme – I went to family again for help. And got none – one said if I did there was nothing they could do to stop me, others just showed no reaction (or empathy) what so ever.
Night after night of panic attacks, I know them so well by now and I thought I had them under-control, oh no. My heart was burning like a furnace. Suicide seemed a good option. But I knew it was just coping out, looking for an easy way out.
So, like I had for everything else in my life, I had to do it myself. I accepted money as concept that needed dealing with head on. Did the Panic Attacks end errr no.
So it became an open conversation with my Soul and My Body and I challenged my body to actually give me a heart attack and kill me if that is what was the next step. I must have fallen asleep from exhaustion. Next morning it felt rather different I didn’t feel suicidal, I knew I had to take control of finances.
And do you know what the Suicide Programme has disappeared and as time went on Fight & Flight is now just a gentle reminder that it is there.
And then came along 2020...
October 2019, now made perfect sense. I had learnt the Suicide and Fight or Flight lessons and dare I say it. Giggled at the goings on, my body feels no fear anymore. Seeing the messages being sent out as confusing and contradictory. I feel for all those that have passed on.
I perfectly understand both sides now – GOOD & EVIL – it has to be balanced you can’t have one without the other, I would have learnt nothing with just ONE. I have offered to kill myself so EVIL holds no fear now. I face it and WON my own battle. It is now up to others to decide if I stay or leave. Because I am not going to have gone through all that pain to give in now.
But…and that is another story I may go into another time.